William Faulkner had a way of cutting through the romanticised “happily ever after” nonsense that usually clutters our social media feeds. He once famously wrote, “You don’t love because, you love despite; not for the virtues, but despite the faults.” And this quote has now become one of his timeless wisdoms which is apt even today.Faulkner knew that finding perfect love or lover is a myth. In modern times where dating has become all about swiping right or left, his words are a much-needed reality check. Real love isn’t found in a list of virtues; instead it’s created in the trenches of someone’s flaws.
Faulkner’s world: Love in the middle of a mess
Faulkner wasn’t perfect himself. Instead, his life was a whirlwind of complicated marriages, heavy drinking, and enough drama to fill ten novels. When he wrote about love, he wasn’t imagining two people walking into the sunset; he was imagining two people surviving life’s chaos together.His own marriage to Estelle Oldham was dysfunctional, yet they stayed together through for decades. This shows why his writing feels so raw and honest. He understood that the human heart is almost always “in conflict with itself”. And so, choosing to stay with someone despite their flaws is the strongest act of love a person can commit.
The problem with chasing perfection
We’ve all seen or had a checklist of the perfect person. The idea of: ‘I love him because he’s successful’ or ‘I love her because she’s always positive’. But the problem with this is that it makes love conditional. If the success fades or the positivity turns into a bad mood, the foundation of the relationship starts to crumble.And that’s often seen in many modern relationships/ marriages that do not survive the test of time. Many experts often suggest that “unrealistic expectations” are one of the main reasons behind relationships falling apart these days. When we hunt for a partner based solely on virtues, we’re essentially looking for a statue, not a human being. Because humans are flawed and they are bound to make mistakes.According to renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, successful couples don’t necessarily have fewer problems. Instead, they maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. They accept the “faults”—the snoring, the lateness, the stubbornness—and choose to move forward anyway. Faulkner’s “despite” is the secret sauce to making relationships work in the long run.
Why Science Agrees with the Poet
Psychology actually supports Faulkner’s wisdom. Attachment Theory suggests that secure bonds are built when we feel safe enough to show our “ugly” sides without being rejected. If you only love someone for their virtues, they never feel safe enough to be real.
Putting “Despite” into Practice
If you want to bring a little Faulkner-style resilience into your life, try some of these “Daily Love Hacks”:1. The next time your partner does that one thing that drives you crazy, remind yourself: “I love them despite this, and they love me despite my own brand of crazy.”2. Own the Mess: Don’t hide your flaws to keep someone’s interest. Owning your “faults” is actually an invitation for the other person to be honest, too.3. Ditch the checklist: If you’re single, stop looking for “The One” or “Mr/ Ms Perfect”” who checked all 20 boxes. Instead, look for the person whose faults you can actually live with.Faulkner’s quote is a timeless wisdom in love which can help modern relationships survive the test of time.