Dating trends and apps have completely transformed the modern dating landscape. From days when one sent a pigeon with a letter wondering what their partner was doing, we now share passwords and locations to be aware of their every step. Moreover, with viral trends taking over, one has analysed everything about their loved one: from their attachment style to their emotional intelligence.However, what seems to have bit the dust is basic communication. We have completely forgone assessing how a person communicates particularly in times of distress such as arguments. While arguing in a relationship is extremely normal and common, the way one does it differs. It can change how your message is conveyed and perceived, thus affecting the overall relationship. Thus, it is important to understand argument styles in relationships in order to communicate with each other in an improved and healthy manner.
What are argument styles?
The closest synonym to understanding argument styles is what is defined as ‘conflict management’ styles in the corporate world. As per the Thomas Kilmann model, there are five ways of conflict management: competing, avoiding, accommodating, collaborating and compromising. However, when it comes to personal relationships, things might be a bit more complicated as one may fall into various roles. “There are a number of different roles that people fall into during arguments, and often this argument style is formed early in life, generally through modelling by parents or other authority figures such as teachers,” said Beverly Blackman, a psychotherapist and Counselling Directory member, to Refinery29.While no one has a set role, they can loosely identify themselves or their partner through four main types:
Attacking
This argument style, also called conflict-prone, relies on pointing out the other person’s mistakes and wrongdoings. It is usually motivated by feelings of annoyance or anger. Here, the argument features sentences beginning with “you.” “You never wash the dishes,” or “you never plan the dates.” While it helps bring matters to light, it does not clearly communicate what you want from the other person and leaves them to argue back.
Defensive
While one gets defensive in all types of arguments, the front is more obvious when you are the one being attacked. In this case, you may attempt to explain yourself or deny accusations due to feelings of upset or rejection. However, both these argument styles do little to solve the real underlying problems in the relationship.
Withdrawal
There are two types of withdrawal in arguments. You can be the one who is being withdrawn from or the one withdrawing. If it’s the former the person arguing can have the urge to keep following the other in order to complete their argument or resolve the matter for once. “While it’s great to want to resolve the argument, the difficulty is that you are not paying attention to your partner’s response or need to step away, so it is likely to heighten their emotion and make them more resentful towards you,” said Blackman.However, if you are the one who is withdrawing, you are most likely conflict-avoidant. You tend to emotionally detach from your partner when an argument is bout to happen or is happening, making them feel frustrated and unheard. At times, this may even mean you agree to your partner’s points just to maintain the peace without putting your point forward.
Open
The best and most positive argument style is the one where one is open and able to consider the whole situation patiently. They are willing to view the situation from their partner’s perspective, making them feel seen and then putting their point across. Here, the conversation moves from the argument phase to the resolving phase.
How to identify one’s argument style?
A person’s argument style is not fixed. It depends on how it has been influenced during their formative years along with the context and who they are arguing with. You can recognise your own style with the help of analysing your body when you are arguing: “Try to almost press pause on what’s going on and take a minute just to check in with yourself. Do you notice your heart racing? Do you notice your legs feeling twitchy because you want to run away from the situation? Do you feel so angry that you don’t even know what you’re saying?” said Holly Roberts, a counsellor from the relationship support charity Relate to the outlet.Whatever you conclude, own that behaviour and make changes accordingly. In relationships, it will help you dial down your emotions and understand those of your partner, ultimately resolving the issues.